Stand Up

So I had been struggling lately. Most people probably wouldn't know it because I don't seem any different. I have been searching for some sort of joy lately. Something had been missing. I was comparing myself to others who are always so joyful. My mom told me a few months ago, "James, you sure don't smile as much as you used to." Maybe that was because I was ruined by the shame and sin in my life and I hated who I was.

As many people know, I recently got a job with Victor Youth Services as a Residential Counselor in a group home. I had a job-shadow shift last Wednesday and I was sick, tired, and joyless. I couldn't muster much of a smile on my face. I met with the house's supervisor, and I think that through him, God woke me up. Phil, the supervisor, confronted me about how the day went, saying that I needed to look at myself and find some way to improve. He noticed that I couldn't smile, that I was having a hard time. It was tough to sit through, and it intimidated me. I now realize that God was speaking to me through him. Begging me to run to Him for help.

Over and over lately, I've been hearing this message that God loves me. His Love is here. His Love is now. It took me till yesterday to press into God about this situation and how ruined I had felt for a while. I had been trying to be faithful in my relationship with God, but I wasn't listening to what God wanted for me. So yesterday, as I was sitting there in fear of my next job-shadow later that day at the same house, I was crying out to God. I was asking him for help. Asking Him to release joy on my life. His perfect love casts out all fears. I ended up laying down, my face buried in the carpet of my apartment living room, with my palms upwards as if to receive something. My heart was positioned toward Him. "Stand Up!" I questioned this word in my heart, and then did just that as I realized God was telling me to stand up. As I stood up, I waited for God to tell me something else. But that was all I needed to hear apparently as I stood there awkwardly in the middle of the room silent. God loves me. As I was laying there in desperation, embarrassed and ashamed, God took pride in his child and told me to stand up. He gave me dignity and showed me He was listening with those simple words.

A few minutes later, as I was thinking about the word Joy, God directed me to John 15. His Word is alive and new each day. Jesus loves me as much as the Father loves Him. He loves me. He told me this so that His JOY would be in me, and so that it would be COMPLETE! Suddenly, the realization was now more focused on God's love for me. Boy does he love me. That brings joy to my heart. Fear is gone. My face lit up. I know this isn't going to be a short process, but God loves me and is continually shaping me into the man I am to be. He is calling me to stand up and accept His love and joy. His joy is my strength. He is my light. I am standing up as His Child, as His son, as His beloved. His joy is in me, and is being made complete.